I couldn’t help but feel a little stab of regret as Sarah loaded up the car with her parents yesterday morning to take the kids to Grant’s farm. Guilt started to seep in as I sat at my laptop getting ready to start writing for the day. I am missing spending time with my family in order to write this book for O’Reilly. Is it worth it?
My kids change daily, as evidence of their ever increasing vocabulary and clearer and clearer sentences, and I am missing most of it. Not just on Sundays when I write, but every day. I comfort them in the morning (really early) by going downstairs and getting their cups of milk out of the refrigerator – but there is no connecting here; they are zombies craving only their precious morning milk with whatever flavor of the day I decided to put into their milk the night before. Then I either help Sarah get them downstairs to Grandma, or get them ready and in the car for Sarah to take them to daycare.
Yes, I do get to spend time with them Saturday mornings while Sarah cuts the grass. And I appreciate that time with them. It is the time when I really get to see how much they have changed from the last week. It isn’t like that when I get home from work during the week. When I see them then, eat dinner with the family and play before bath and bed, my mind is usually somewhere else. Thinking about what I want to write two chapters from where I currently am, or thinking about a better example for the chapter I am on. It could even be wanting to rewrite something I’ve already turned in to my editor – whatever it is; it isn’t really focusing on the kids or Sarah.
And it is not like I can change how my mind works. Sarah knew I was different when she started dating me, and certainly knew her sentence (as it were) when we were married. I just hope that my current hyper-ADD state isn’t turning her off to me. And I am glad for the fact that at two, the kids will never remember how life was while I was writing my first book.
I just can’t help but wonder if I am being too selfish with my time. Yes, the book will open doors (I hope) that I just didn’t have access to before. And, yes, I want those doors opened, so I can start down the path to a career that I actually want, and not the current one that pays the bills. I deserve to be happy, but there will be a high price to pay for it. I’m not sure I want to pay it if it is going to cost me getting to know my kids, and even more importantly, getting the opportunity to parent them as I want to. I need to have the time to mold them somewhat.
Just keep telling myself that it is worth it. And don’t forget to constantly tell Sarah how much I love her and appreciate the sacrifices she is making to free my time so that I can write.
On Friday, I finished up Chapter 4. This was the first chapter that has taken less that a week to write. Hopefully that is a sign that I have figured out a way to quicken the pace of writing.
Now begins the real fun for me. I am hoping that I find it much easier to write code than I have with the first four chapters. Only time will tell.
My real crunch now is I have to complete six chapters before September 1st to hit my deadline. I had better get my butt in gear, because this means I need to be writing more than a chapter a week. I know I can do it, I’m just a little nervous.
Enough for now…back to writing!